Saturday, July 18, 2009

Can someone teach me how to Jump?

Right now, I'm inside a starbucks here in Gateway mall, drinking a tall White chocolate mocha, listening to music through my Audio Technica ATH-SJ3 headphones, and typing this blog on a Asus EEE 1000HE netbook.

Before you say that I'm nothing more than a boastful S.O.B., bear with me for a second since there's a purpose for that. (Although I would admit that I'm pretty proud of the headphones and the netbook)

Looking at my blog, I realized that the last post was made way back in March. March 13 to be exact, a post that tried to be a tribute to Francis M. So what have I done since? Well nothing really new or exciting or anything. For the past few months, I've busied myself with work, writing articles, press releases, Blogs, and other copies for the web, add to that my freelance gig of writing some tech pieces for a blog, and that's basically what ate up my time.

Now that I look at it, I think it's kind of weird that for the past 3 months I've really done nothing else but work. From what I can recall, ever since March (perhaps even earlier) I've already resigned myself from the job. I was already unhappy with it, and I have already thought about quitting so many times. However, it seems that I never got around to actually quitting. It was always, next week, next month, next bonus, or whatever else, but I never really got around to quitting. As my friend, and former fellow employee Gab, said Puro ka lang naman salita, di mo naman ginagawa. Of course he was a bit of an authority about it, after all he was the one who quit when he said that I want to quit, and did it immediately, bonus or whatever else be damned.

And here I am, it's already July, and I'm still stuck. I've thought about it a lot and started thinking about the reasons on why am I still here.

When other people ask me why I stayed, One of the reasons I always say was the bonus. After all money is money and I sure could use some of it. However, I realize now that money is quite a moot point. I'm still living with my parents, so I really don't have to spend that much on housing, food, or utility expenses. I've also saved quite an amount of money from my 10 months of working, and have even acquired the things that I don't need but really want (the Headphones, the netbook, and enough money to spend when I need a time out).

Taking the bonus and other money concerns out of the equation, I think the real reason is that I'm simply too scared to jump and let go. It's a lack of confidence that I can handle the change of not being able to find a new place to work in. After all, my current work is as close to a sure thing as possible. The pay is okay, I do pretty well with the tasks required, and I don't really have any attendance issues or whatsoever, so I have some confidence that I won't be let go by the company.

I'm blogging and thinking about the topic now, because I just received my bonus. The bonus was my self appointed deadline for when I would pass my resignation. It's quite funny since I had always been sure that once I received the money, I would turn and go. But right now, I'm still scared. While I know that I'm quitting, I can't shake that doubt in my mind. I know that I would resign, but I can't seem to put myself in the mind frame that I would "just do it" there's always this cloud in my head that says Are you sure?

So... Can someone teach me how to jump?

Friday, March 13, 2009

Francis M.

"let the sun shine, let the rivers run away, coz its a beautiful day now, to play now"

This post talks about regret. As usual, this blog post talks about myself. However, Perhaps I should also count this, as my tribute to Francis M.

No, we did not know each other and one of my biggest regrets was that I never got to meet him.

He was probably my first musical idol. I remember when I was still in kinder 2, when I would bring a cassette of the album Meron akong Ano! and ask them to repeatedly play it on the tape player. Being 6 years old, I was just amused at how fast he can speak, and how catchy the tune of Meron akong ano (meron akong kwento, a wala wala wala wala), how cool ayoko sa dilim (nagdidilim ang paningin, ang paninging umiiitim, ayoko na dito, ayoko sa dilim!) sounded. I also loved the ballad feel of the song called Nilamon ng Sistema ( I always remembered the lines

(…at siya'y pinag-buhatan ng kamay, si inay nagsusugal doon sa madyungan napakasakit kapag walang humahagkan, because of the way he sang it). Little did I know that behind those catchy tunes were lyrics that spoke of a plethora of topics about the deepest ills of our society.


I was literally bringing it everyday that my uncle just decided to copy the cassette to a blank tape and created a mixtape with my favorite songs in the album So that I would be able to bring something to the school bus without destroying the entire album. Apparently, my uncle noticed that I kept on rewinding and fast forwarding to my favorite tracks which he said hastened the deterioration of the tape. Kuya Vic, the driver of the school bus, even noticed my fanaticism (perhaps aided by the fact that I came to the school bus one day wearing a vest and screaming HUWAG KANG MAHIHIYA KUNG ANG ILONG MO AY PANGO!) that he bought me a signed picture of Francis M.

I was so thrilled about it until my Aunt made me realize that it was kuya vic who did the signing. I didn't believe her at first, but then I realized that the chance that our school bus Driver knows francis m. is slim.

When I got my own cassette player, not sure if it was the aiwa or the sony "walkman", perhaps about a couple of years later, I was able to listen to more of his tracks, aside from meron akong ano, i got my uncle's copy of Rap is Francis M. I did enjoy listening to Halalan and mga praning. Now a bit more knowledageable about things, I was able to now understand some of the deeper meanings of his tracks. This trend continued with my uncle consistenly buying his other albums such as Freeman, oddventures of mr.cool (I'm pretty sure there were others but these were those that I remember).

Hmm so where does regret come in? Well as some of you may know, I don't really own this house in cubao. Despite the fact that I've been here all my life, we just rent this place. Durng my high school years, my paretns decided to build a house all the way in Antipolo... It was a bit new at that time, so everyone was curious about the neighbors. And it turns out that Francis M. was an owner of one of the houses in that neighborhood.

And remember, that picture that Kuya Vic gave? Well I wanted a true one this time, I wanted to meet my musical idol. And being neighbors (well not really next door neighbors, more like subdivision mates) I felt that I had a better chance this time. I remember a halloween party in the clubhouse with him coming as a pirate (my memory is quite hazy, but i'm pretty sure it was him). I also remember seeing him in a few masses at the clubhouse. Also, I actually remember when I went to the clubhouse swimming pool and swam with his daughters and one of his sons. To add more to that, my cousin is actually good friends with his son, and his daughters are both ateneans.

Despite that proximity however, I never got his picture, or his autograph. I had been given all the chances to have an encounter with greatness and I was apparently too busy, too shy, or too stupid to take advantage of it. Regrets.

Upon Francis M's death people were quick to showcase his other skills. How he delved in photography, film making, and other activities. How he was supposed to be a good father, husband and friend. I just realized that in contrast to me, this was someone who probably lived his life so as not to regret anything. He had been shown his opportunities and he grabbed them with whatever he had.



PEACE

Sunday, March 08, 2009

typeracer.com

I have spent a lot of time at the office just playing the game in this website. www.typeracer.com

[Note before continuing: I am not promoting the website or being arrogant about my disdain for my work. It just so happened that Sheenah introduced me to this website while we were working, and since our monthly task assignments did not arrive until Friday morning. I spent a lot of time last week playing it.

I have no idea if my boss would fire me or get angry for me for doing this at work (although I have no qualms about getting out of work), but at the very least, I can defend it by saying that it's part of my training as a writer :) Perhaps I could say Improved typing speeds would help me do my work better.]

So typeracer is a website wherein you get to compete against people in typing. Some quotes from movies, songs, books and even video games (I got a Bioshock one recently) appear and it's up to you to type it in the fastest way possible.

Actually I rediscovered something about myself while I was playing type racer. Aside from my average typing speed, I am recently at 80 wpm, I found out how stupidly competitive I can get. While I was typing away, I can't help but try to zone in, and keep on typing to try and beat not just competitiors but my previous score.

But then I realized that this is not an accurate representation of my typing speed. After all, when I'm typing work or even this blog I don't really zone in or anything. So I said, okay I'll try relaxing and just going to do it in my "normal state".

The things is, I realized that I can't seem to turn it off and relax. I tried but right after finishing the first 2-3 words I tend to go to the frantic mode and just type and type away. I hate it since I can't get my normal type rate hehe.

And again it kills me. I'm not a good typer. My fingers are not in the proper position, and I don't return to the homerow as I type. That's why i'm stuck at the 80-85wpm level. This gets really really frustrating when I race against people who are able to reach 90-150 wpm

I think this is a microcosm of how I actually live my life. Sometimes I want to relax and take things slowly but more often than not I get caught up in the race to succeed. The race to be happy.

[play against me sometime :) my username is GoldenX]


Saturday, February 21, 2009

Salamat

Sa mga panahong nagiisa ka, dun mo mapagtatanto ang kahalagahan ng mga kasama.

Siguro kung nagbabasa ka talaga ng mga sinsusulat ko rito, mahihinuha mong hindi ako gaanong masaya sa takbo ng buhay ko. Masyado akong naaapektuhan sa mga bagay-bagay tungkol sa aking paghahanap ng trabaho at hindi ko maitatangging nalulungkot ako dahil wala pang nangyayari.

Tulad ng karamihan, ang pagdating ng Biyernes ay ang isa sa aking mga inaasahang araw. Ang ibig sabihin kasi nito ay tapos na ang aking gawain para sa linggo, pwede ng magpahinga, pwede ng bawiin ang tulog at puyat na nagmula sa paggising ng maaga para pumasok. Sabi nga Thank God It's Friday!

Subalit, gaya nga ng aking nasabi sa aking unang naisulat, ang pagdating ng Biyernes ay isang hudyat ng pagkabigo. Pag dating ng biyernes at wala pa ring tawag ay nangangahulugang lumipas na muli ang isang linggo at hindi pa rin ako tinatanggap. Thank God It's Friday?

Usually, I go out with some of my friends during Fridays. During the past few weeks, despite the conflicts, issues and all the crappy things that I had to endure, those little gatherings, dinners and talks were invigorating in the sense that it gave something to look forward to at the end of the week. I usually saw them as outlets of fun. A fun that had been hindered by the drama that I have put into my life.

However, yesterday was a bit of a change of pace. We didn't really schedule anything that week not to mention that they were also quite busy with their lives with some academic and work related stuff. My friend told me that she'd text me if ever she had some extra time but I don't think it really panned out, or she forgot about it.

I took it as an opportunity to be alone for that night. Maybe it's in that silence, and in that solitary moment that I would be able to be more relaxed or at the very least find that calmness to get me through the next week. So I went to a Starbucks in gateway. It's my usual hang out but now it's devoid of the usual baristas that I've befriended through the years save for Aileen. I was there for about 20-30 minutes until I got really bored and really frustrated again. So far alone time wasn't really working.

I decided to take a walk around Araneta Center. But too much walking without anyone to talk to, or anyone to listen to save for music from my mp3 player got really tiring. It just reminded me of the frustrating walk I did earlier in the day.

What hit me was realizing just how much friends played a role in helping me out through these frustrating times. It wasn't really just an outlet of my frustration, but are really critical in being able to balance my frustration with at least some happiness in me. It wasn't just the advices they gave, or the fun things we do together, it's also in the similar problems they told me about, their own frustrations, and all those other stuff.

I guess camaraderie is really important to me, especially right now. I mean i always saw myself as someone who is a bit of a loner. While I've always been quite sociable, I felt that I've set myself up in such a way that when push comes to shove, I'd be able to still accomplish things on my own.

Now, I'm not saying that I've changed and that I've become that need person who would always have to run to friends when things turn sour. However, I became more aware how friends are able to make things just a bit easier.

_

Moral of the story:
Sa susunod na magkaproblema ako, sisiguraduhin ko na hindi busy ang mga kaibigan ko :P

Hope...

Kahapon natapos ang ikalawang linggo ng aking paghihintay. Inaasahan ko ang isang tawag mula sa isang kumpanya kung saan ako ay sumubok makapasok. Nang matapos kasi ang aming paguusap ukol sa possibilidad na makapasok ako sa kanilang kumpanya ay sinabihan ako na tatawagan nila ako ko sa loob ng dalawa o tatlong linggo.

Lumipas ang isang linggo at walang tawag na dumating. Sinabi ko sa sarili ko na ayos lang. Siguro mahaba lang ang processing period nila. Ngunit hindi ko ipagkakaila na umaasa na ako na tatawag sila kaagad at sasabihin na nila na "Congratulations Mico, welcome to our team..."

Para lang malinaw, hindi naman sa hindi ako nagiging masaya sa kasalukuyan kong trabaho. Mabait ang mga tao doon, kasama na ang boss ko. Hindi rin ganon katindi ang hirap ng trabaho at ang sweldo naman ay sapat. Marami rin akong mga bagay bagay na natutunan na sa palagay ko ay hindi ko maaring makuha sa ibang paraan. Subalit may mga bagay lang akong hinahanap at hinahangad para sa aking sarili na hindi sa aking palagay ay hindi ko makukuha kung mananatili ako sa kasalukuyan kong industriya na pinagtratrabahuhan. Mayroon ding mga bagay na sa aking palagay ay hindi tumutugma sa kakarampot na prinsipyo ko sa buhay.

Lalong tumindi ang pag asa ko sa pagdating ng tawag na iyon noong ikalawang linggo. Dahil siguro sinabi noong babae sa akin, sabi nga niya "we'll call you in 2-3 weeks" at eto na ang second week, kaya mataas na ang pagkakataon na tumawag sila. Pero yun nga dumating ang biyernes, at walang nangyari. Lumipas nanaman

Pagasa - Hope.

For each day last week, I can't help but think about it. I work in a 9-6 shift and for every hour of that shift, I expect the ringing of my fone, Hoping to get the results of what happened during the interviews.

"Let me tell you something my friend. Hope is a dangerous thing. Hope can drive a man insane. "[from the movie the Shawshank redemption]

For every hour that I waited, I always had to end the day with that disappointment that I was not able to get what I hoped for. Nearly every second of my 30-40 minute walk from the office to the train station is filled with thoughts of why am i here, and why am i STILL here.I've slowly lost confidence in the idea that my interview had gone well. I had slowly lost confidence in my ability.

I think that being given that chance to hope is something that has been a double edged sword for me. I think that to hope for a brighter future does inspire me but in the same way, when days pass and what I had hoped for does not happen it crushes me, it slowly drives me insane.

I think that it has something to do with expectation. Perhaps hope always had that expectation that things will succeed. Unfortunately, I haven't been ablee to separate my expectation, my reality, and my hope.

In the same movie it was also said that "hope is a good thing, maybe the best of things, and no good thing ever dies." The third week starts tomorrow. So I'll still hope.

Tuesday, February 10, 2009

Sunday Romance

While admittedly not the most devout of Catholics, I regularly go to Sunday Mass. I attribute this to two reasons;the first is that my family usually hears mass when my dad is here and I don't want to be the one left behind in the house, and the other one is that I always see it as an opportunity to learn. I'm not talking about Religious teachings per se, but all kinds of life lessons that I may pick up from whatever sermon, teachings, or events that happen while I'm in church.

Last Sunday, February 8, I went to the 5:00pm Mass at gateway mall. There were available seats but I decided to stand somewhere beside the chairs since I felt that if I sat down, my mind would begin to wander. While at the mass I saw this little girl who was enjoying herself at the mass. She was running from row to row and was bascially smiling and playing with the other church goers. I was amused to see her being all happy like that, while all others were trying to be all solemn and prayerful, and she being able to get away with it.

Her noise, while cute at times, is admittedly louder than a ringing cell phone and aside from a few taps and stern looks her parents really didn't even try to hush it. I was quite amused that when you consider the looks that people give when they hear a ringing phone ("ano ba yan ang ingay naman di man lang nag silent mode") and compare it to the wailings of a little girl that is much more disruptive, people tend to get angrier at the phone. Perhaps this is valid, I am not one to judge, i just observed that. The perks of being a kid I guess.

However. This is not the main realization of this story...

A few rows away was another girl. A bit older, but still young enough to seek some enjoyment in a mass that perhaps she would deem boring. She happened to glance at the child in front of her and decided to play. She decided to have fun. Simply put, she wanted to be happy.

So she went towards the girl. SHe played with her. They were playing a variant of hide and seek, tag, and magicians all at once. And standing from my corner and looking at them I can see that they were both happy.

I was thinking about it, and realized how different it is when people grow older. People lose that capability to just go for it, to just go for what makes you happy. damn the world if they would look at you in a weird way, or if tradition doesn't allow such communication to occur. The kid would just go for it. Yes, she may get some funny looks after it, but it's not gonna take away the fact that for that moment that she decided to go and reach out, to move towards and play, they had fun.

The perks of being a kid i guess.

Thursday, January 29, 2009

hey

For all sad words of tongue and pen, the saddest are these, 'It might have been.'

These words can describe my sudden philosophical shift

2008 part 2

Ok, part 2 of this post

As mentioned in the previous post, my 2008 was basically divided into 3 parts. I took care of the remaining school thingies so the next part is the unemployment months.

I already did a recap of my work misadventures in another post (here and here). So I wouldn't really go into details. I guess what I would just say about it was that it was quite a humbling experience for me. Doing nothing for nearly half a year was very frustrating. Not to toot my own horn but I always felt that I had the skills to be able to land a job that I would like quite easily. But knowing that I was still unemployed for all those months and seeing my classmates/blockmates/ and other friends finding a job that they like, it really did make me feel inadequate.

It was also one of those times that I truly regretted not giving my all during my stay in school. I always ended up saying that perhaps if I did well enough, or pushed myself to do better and got stand out grades perhaps I wouldn't have too many problems in employment. Now, I realize that grades are not the be all and all of employment but at the time I really felt that if I had graduated with all those honors and recognition thingies, things would have been a lot easier.

Well that's that, for more information just read the previous post.


So the next part would be the working months. I worked at an IT Outsorucing company as a technical writer. As readers may surmise I'm not really that good at writing. I'm more of just typing in white heat and seeing how the words plan out. So to actually earn a living as someone who has to write a bunch of words every day was quite difficutl. However, I guess I worked in that company not just because I needed the money but more on the fact that I liked the company. From the people at HR to the team of writers, and even to the guy who brought us food, I really had fun with the interactions I had with them.

And that's basically the wrap up for the year.

I guess here's the list thing again that I tend to do for every year end post.

Thanks to:

-James Wyson:
Same as last year. It's great to know that you have someone who helps you when you need it.
-Hans Huvalla, Richmond Fang, Alex Junia, Deneb Plazuela, Jelyn Baccay, Micci Venzon:
A combination of my CTK and LS groupmates. The combination of those two classes during the last college months were probably one of the most stressful months of college. Fortunately I had these people as my groupmates. I know that they'd pick up the slack whenever I'm not doing well hehe
-Mich Cruz, Kathy Calilao, Bon Cabiladas, Abbi Luz, Rom Guanzon
Theology immersion was one of the more memorable things in my life,
- Block R2
One of the better things that happened in college was being able to meet this diverse group of people and share the whole college experience with them.
- Mavie Bompat, Pam De Leon, Cathy Moscare
These were the people that I got quite close to while i was working. We spent so many hours together be it in the office or in the videoke rooms. It really made my first job quite enjoyable.
- LWS people

As mentioned before, it wasn't really the work that made me enjoy going to the office, it's the people. Gelo, Josh, Aika, Joseph, Leslie, Erma, Jake, Fritzie, Kathy, Mikay, Mikko, James, Ate Maja, Ms. Kristine, Ate Rachel, IIvy, Chat and Bangge
- Cindy
Just before the year ended, I went to Singapore. And I met an internet friend. It was very nice of her to tour me around and even treat me to some local delicacies, especially considering that it was the first time that we met.





Tuesday, January 20, 2009

2008 part 1

I know this post is quite late but I was fortunate to immediately find work right after the Christmas break that I really did not have the time to post. Well that's not fully true, the thing is, in my previous job and even the job that I'm currently holding, I work as a writer. And well to write a post after writing for so many hours while at the office (or at home in the last few weeks of December) tends to be quite tiring hehe.

I think stripped off all the events, the mere fact that it was the year 2008 would already be highly memorable for me. This is of course because 2008 was the year when I was supposed to graduate, and graduation tends to generate a lot of emotions for someone. Graduation signifies that end to a life of academic education (of course there's masters but let's not get too ahead of the post) and a beginning of a new life, as a student of the "real world."

How was my 2008 like? I would probably break it down into 3 main parts, the final 3 months of my college life, the unemployment period (April to September) and finally finding work (Late september to present).

The final 3 months of college was quite hectic but very memorable. My group mates and I had to submit a CTK paper as well as an LS paper as part of the requirements. There was also the portfolio that I had to create for my drawing class, theology immersion and presentation, and some more papers for my Philosophy and Feature Writing classes. Of course, there are also the exams, both oral and written, that I had to take care of.

Out of all those requirements, I guess what really stands out was the Theology Immersion. I don't think I made a post about it, (probably was too caught up with having to do other things, but I remember posting the pictures here). It was a standout event because I can actually see it as some sort of a culminating activity for my 3 years in SPEED. Being able to play with special kids, and forming a special bond with them (especially the two Pauls) gives me that (corny as this may seem, or even out of character with what people perceive me to be) sense of inner joy and fulfillment. I vividly remember cleaning up with Leslie after a kid who peed on himself, chatting with new found friends at the sari sari store while the kids were sleeping, carrying around a kid on my shoulders as my work out, and of course, racing a wheel chair around the cottolengo grounds during the last day (although we lost the competition). The presentation we did about the presentation was arguably one of my more memorable ones, I don't remember ever having done a presentation where I really felt involved and not just doing it for the sake of grades. The group orals/finals for theo class was one of the best I ever had, hearing Father Pat Giordano saying, "I don't have to ask you any more questions, you can't raise your grade anymore, it's too high."


The task for our classes was one of the more stressful moments I had in college. It was quite frustrating, especially when the two of them are competing with the very limited time a student has for doing school work. This is especially true since LS required a whole lot of reports and was a 7:30 class. At 7:30 it was quite difficult to find time to cram the report. I mean if it was a bit later, we could have probably met during the day and done the parts we needed to do. But through talent, will, and some help from every other student who were in that class, I guess we were able to pull through.

CTK on the other hand was quite weird. It was one of the moments where I was not fully confident in what I was doing. I mean I think my groupmates trusted me but honestly I was not trusting myself. I guess that's why I had to call and email and contact a some of my friends who I believe are well versed in IT and marketing just to do my part in the paper. I'd be lying if I said the defense of the paper was a success hehe. It was one of the more "amusing" moments of all my defense life, I am known as someone who talks a lot, or at least defends whatever point I chose to take but during this defense, I can't find any word to say that can help. As Richmond put it, "that defense left a bad taste in the mouths." Fortunately, while the defense exposed our faults in some aspects, the other parts of the paper were good enough to carry us to an Ok grade.

Lost among the paper work was having to make this huge poster for art class. It was quite difficult since at that time I already lost all my belief that I was an art genius and I just didn't know it. Tracy's excellent work didn't help matters as I found how utterly worthless my works are hehe. But I guess Sir Goco saw the effort that I put into the works that I do (all effort + no talent ) and gave me a good enough grade.

After all the requirements were passed, there was really nothing to do but to wait and see if we would graduate. I guess I did well enough and I graduated :)

This post is going too long, so I'll just post them in parts. Haha the next part would hopefully be posted tomorrow