Saturday, July 18, 2009

Can someone teach me how to Jump?

Right now, I'm inside a starbucks here in Gateway mall, drinking a tall White chocolate mocha, listening to music through my Audio Technica ATH-SJ3 headphones, and typing this blog on a Asus EEE 1000HE netbook.

Before you say that I'm nothing more than a boastful S.O.B., bear with me for a second since there's a purpose for that. (Although I would admit that I'm pretty proud of the headphones and the netbook)

Looking at my blog, I realized that the last post was made way back in March. March 13 to be exact, a post that tried to be a tribute to Francis M. So what have I done since? Well nothing really new or exciting or anything. For the past few months, I've busied myself with work, writing articles, press releases, Blogs, and other copies for the web, add to that my freelance gig of writing some tech pieces for a blog, and that's basically what ate up my time.

Now that I look at it, I think it's kind of weird that for the past 3 months I've really done nothing else but work. From what I can recall, ever since March (perhaps even earlier) I've already resigned myself from the job. I was already unhappy with it, and I have already thought about quitting so many times. However, it seems that I never got around to actually quitting. It was always, next week, next month, next bonus, or whatever else, but I never really got around to quitting. As my friend, and former fellow employee Gab, said Puro ka lang naman salita, di mo naman ginagawa. Of course he was a bit of an authority about it, after all he was the one who quit when he said that I want to quit, and did it immediately, bonus or whatever else be damned.

And here I am, it's already July, and I'm still stuck. I've thought about it a lot and started thinking about the reasons on why am I still here.

When other people ask me why I stayed, One of the reasons I always say was the bonus. After all money is money and I sure could use some of it. However, I realize now that money is quite a moot point. I'm still living with my parents, so I really don't have to spend that much on housing, food, or utility expenses. I've also saved quite an amount of money from my 10 months of working, and have even acquired the things that I don't need but really want (the Headphones, the netbook, and enough money to spend when I need a time out).

Taking the bonus and other money concerns out of the equation, I think the real reason is that I'm simply too scared to jump and let go. It's a lack of confidence that I can handle the change of not being able to find a new place to work in. After all, my current work is as close to a sure thing as possible. The pay is okay, I do pretty well with the tasks required, and I don't really have any attendance issues or whatsoever, so I have some confidence that I won't be let go by the company.

I'm blogging and thinking about the topic now, because I just received my bonus. The bonus was my self appointed deadline for when I would pass my resignation. It's quite funny since I had always been sure that once I received the money, I would turn and go. But right now, I'm still scared. While I know that I'm quitting, I can't shake that doubt in my mind. I know that I would resign, but I can't seem to put myself in the mind frame that I would "just do it" there's always this cloud in my head that says Are you sure?

So... Can someone teach me how to jump?

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