Hope...

Kahapon natapos ang ikalawang linggo ng aking paghihintay. Inaasahan ko ang isang tawag mula sa isang kumpanya kung saan ako ay sumubok makapasok. Nang matapos kasi ang aming paguusap ukol sa possibilidad na makapasok ako sa kanilang kumpanya ay sinabihan ako na tatawagan nila ako ko sa loob ng dalawa o tatlong linggo.

Lumipas ang isang linggo at walang tawag na dumating. Sinabi ko sa sarili ko na ayos lang. Siguro mahaba lang ang processing period nila. Ngunit hindi ko ipagkakaila na umaasa na ako na tatawag sila kaagad at sasabihin na nila na "Congratulations Mico, welcome to our team..."

Para lang malinaw, hindi naman sa hindi ako nagiging masaya sa kasalukuyan kong trabaho. Mabait ang mga tao doon, kasama na ang boss ko. Hindi rin ganon katindi ang hirap ng trabaho at ang sweldo naman ay sapat. Marami rin akong mga bagay bagay na natutunan na sa palagay ko ay hindi ko maaring makuha sa ibang paraan. Subalit may mga bagay lang akong hinahanap at hinahangad para sa aking sarili na hindi sa aking palagay ay hindi ko makukuha kung mananatili ako sa kasalukuyan kong industriya na pinagtratrabahuhan. Mayroon ding mga bagay na sa aking palagay ay hindi tumutugma sa kakarampot na prinsipyo ko sa buhay.

Lalong tumindi ang pag asa ko sa pagdating ng tawag na iyon noong ikalawang linggo. Dahil siguro sinabi noong babae sa akin, sabi nga niya "we'll call you in 2-3 weeks" at eto na ang second week, kaya mataas na ang pagkakataon na tumawag sila. Pero yun nga dumating ang biyernes, at walang nangyari. Lumipas nanaman

Pagasa - Hope.

For each day last week, I can't help but think about it. I work in a 9-6 shift and for every hour of that shift, I expect the ringing of my fone, Hoping to get the results of what happened during the interviews.

"Let me tell you something my friend. Hope is a dangerous thing. Hope can drive a man insane. "[from the movie the Shawshank redemption]

For every hour that I waited, I always had to end the day with that disappointment that I was not able to get what I hoped for. Nearly every second of my 30-40 minute walk from the office to the train station is filled with thoughts of why am i here, and why am i STILL here.I've slowly lost confidence in the idea that my interview had gone well. I had slowly lost confidence in my ability.

I think that being given that chance to hope is something that has been a double edged sword for me. I think that to hope for a brighter future does inspire me but in the same way, when days pass and what I had hoped for does not happen it crushes me, it slowly drives me insane.

I think that it has something to do with expectation. Perhaps hope always had that expectation that things will succeed. Unfortunately, I haven't been ablee to separate my expectation, my reality, and my hope.

In the same movie it was also said that "hope is a good thing, maybe the best of things, and no good thing ever dies." The third week starts tomorrow. So I'll still hope.