Saturday, February 21, 2009

Salamat

Sa mga panahong nagiisa ka, dun mo mapagtatanto ang kahalagahan ng mga kasama.

Siguro kung nagbabasa ka talaga ng mga sinsusulat ko rito, mahihinuha mong hindi ako gaanong masaya sa takbo ng buhay ko. Masyado akong naaapektuhan sa mga bagay-bagay tungkol sa aking paghahanap ng trabaho at hindi ko maitatangging nalulungkot ako dahil wala pang nangyayari.

Tulad ng karamihan, ang pagdating ng Biyernes ay ang isa sa aking mga inaasahang araw. Ang ibig sabihin kasi nito ay tapos na ang aking gawain para sa linggo, pwede ng magpahinga, pwede ng bawiin ang tulog at puyat na nagmula sa paggising ng maaga para pumasok. Sabi nga Thank God It's Friday!

Subalit, gaya nga ng aking nasabi sa aking unang naisulat, ang pagdating ng Biyernes ay isang hudyat ng pagkabigo. Pag dating ng biyernes at wala pa ring tawag ay nangangahulugang lumipas na muli ang isang linggo at hindi pa rin ako tinatanggap. Thank God It's Friday?

Usually, I go out with some of my friends during Fridays. During the past few weeks, despite the conflicts, issues and all the crappy things that I had to endure, those little gatherings, dinners and talks were invigorating in the sense that it gave something to look forward to at the end of the week. I usually saw them as outlets of fun. A fun that had been hindered by the drama that I have put into my life.

However, yesterday was a bit of a change of pace. We didn't really schedule anything that week not to mention that they were also quite busy with their lives with some academic and work related stuff. My friend told me that she'd text me if ever she had some extra time but I don't think it really panned out, or she forgot about it.

I took it as an opportunity to be alone for that night. Maybe it's in that silence, and in that solitary moment that I would be able to be more relaxed or at the very least find that calmness to get me through the next week. So I went to a Starbucks in gateway. It's my usual hang out but now it's devoid of the usual baristas that I've befriended through the years save for Aileen. I was there for about 20-30 minutes until I got really bored and really frustrated again. So far alone time wasn't really working.

I decided to take a walk around Araneta Center. But too much walking without anyone to talk to, or anyone to listen to save for music from my mp3 player got really tiring. It just reminded me of the frustrating walk I did earlier in the day.

What hit me was realizing just how much friends played a role in helping me out through these frustrating times. It wasn't really just an outlet of my frustration, but are really critical in being able to balance my frustration with at least some happiness in me. It wasn't just the advices they gave, or the fun things we do together, it's also in the similar problems they told me about, their own frustrations, and all those other stuff.

I guess camaraderie is really important to me, especially right now. I mean i always saw myself as someone who is a bit of a loner. While I've always been quite sociable, I felt that I've set myself up in such a way that when push comes to shove, I'd be able to still accomplish things on my own.

Now, I'm not saying that I've changed and that I've become that need person who would always have to run to friends when things turn sour. However, I became more aware how friends are able to make things just a bit easier.

_

Moral of the story:
Sa susunod na magkaproblema ako, sisiguraduhin ko na hindi busy ang mga kaibigan ko :P

Hope...

Kahapon natapos ang ikalawang linggo ng aking paghihintay. Inaasahan ko ang isang tawag mula sa isang kumpanya kung saan ako ay sumubok makapasok. Nang matapos kasi ang aming paguusap ukol sa possibilidad na makapasok ako sa kanilang kumpanya ay sinabihan ako na tatawagan nila ako ko sa loob ng dalawa o tatlong linggo.

Lumipas ang isang linggo at walang tawag na dumating. Sinabi ko sa sarili ko na ayos lang. Siguro mahaba lang ang processing period nila. Ngunit hindi ko ipagkakaila na umaasa na ako na tatawag sila kaagad at sasabihin na nila na "Congratulations Mico, welcome to our team..."

Para lang malinaw, hindi naman sa hindi ako nagiging masaya sa kasalukuyan kong trabaho. Mabait ang mga tao doon, kasama na ang boss ko. Hindi rin ganon katindi ang hirap ng trabaho at ang sweldo naman ay sapat. Marami rin akong mga bagay bagay na natutunan na sa palagay ko ay hindi ko maaring makuha sa ibang paraan. Subalit may mga bagay lang akong hinahanap at hinahangad para sa aking sarili na hindi sa aking palagay ay hindi ko makukuha kung mananatili ako sa kasalukuyan kong industriya na pinagtratrabahuhan. Mayroon ding mga bagay na sa aking palagay ay hindi tumutugma sa kakarampot na prinsipyo ko sa buhay.

Lalong tumindi ang pag asa ko sa pagdating ng tawag na iyon noong ikalawang linggo. Dahil siguro sinabi noong babae sa akin, sabi nga niya "we'll call you in 2-3 weeks" at eto na ang second week, kaya mataas na ang pagkakataon na tumawag sila. Pero yun nga dumating ang biyernes, at walang nangyari. Lumipas nanaman

Pagasa - Hope.

For each day last week, I can't help but think about it. I work in a 9-6 shift and for every hour of that shift, I expect the ringing of my fone, Hoping to get the results of what happened during the interviews.

"Let me tell you something my friend. Hope is a dangerous thing. Hope can drive a man insane. "[from the movie the Shawshank redemption]

For every hour that I waited, I always had to end the day with that disappointment that I was not able to get what I hoped for. Nearly every second of my 30-40 minute walk from the office to the train station is filled with thoughts of why am i here, and why am i STILL here.I've slowly lost confidence in the idea that my interview had gone well. I had slowly lost confidence in my ability.

I think that being given that chance to hope is something that has been a double edged sword for me. I think that to hope for a brighter future does inspire me but in the same way, when days pass and what I had hoped for does not happen it crushes me, it slowly drives me insane.

I think that it has something to do with expectation. Perhaps hope always had that expectation that things will succeed. Unfortunately, I haven't been ablee to separate my expectation, my reality, and my hope.

In the same movie it was also said that "hope is a good thing, maybe the best of things, and no good thing ever dies." The third week starts tomorrow. So I'll still hope.

Tuesday, February 10, 2009

Sunday Romance

While admittedly not the most devout of Catholics, I regularly go to Sunday Mass. I attribute this to two reasons;the first is that my family usually hears mass when my dad is here and I don't want to be the one left behind in the house, and the other one is that I always see it as an opportunity to learn. I'm not talking about Religious teachings per se, but all kinds of life lessons that I may pick up from whatever sermon, teachings, or events that happen while I'm in church.

Last Sunday, February 8, I went to the 5:00pm Mass at gateway mall. There were available seats but I decided to stand somewhere beside the chairs since I felt that if I sat down, my mind would begin to wander. While at the mass I saw this little girl who was enjoying herself at the mass. She was running from row to row and was bascially smiling and playing with the other church goers. I was amused to see her being all happy like that, while all others were trying to be all solemn and prayerful, and she being able to get away with it.

Her noise, while cute at times, is admittedly louder than a ringing cell phone and aside from a few taps and stern looks her parents really didn't even try to hush it. I was quite amused that when you consider the looks that people give when they hear a ringing phone ("ano ba yan ang ingay naman di man lang nag silent mode") and compare it to the wailings of a little girl that is much more disruptive, people tend to get angrier at the phone. Perhaps this is valid, I am not one to judge, i just observed that. The perks of being a kid I guess.

However. This is not the main realization of this story...

A few rows away was another girl. A bit older, but still young enough to seek some enjoyment in a mass that perhaps she would deem boring. She happened to glance at the child in front of her and decided to play. She decided to have fun. Simply put, she wanted to be happy.

So she went towards the girl. SHe played with her. They were playing a variant of hide and seek, tag, and magicians all at once. And standing from my corner and looking at them I can see that they were both happy.

I was thinking about it, and realized how different it is when people grow older. People lose that capability to just go for it, to just go for what makes you happy. damn the world if they would look at you in a weird way, or if tradition doesn't allow such communication to occur. The kid would just go for it. Yes, she may get some funny looks after it, but it's not gonna take away the fact that for that moment that she decided to go and reach out, to move towards and play, they had fun.

The perks of being a kid i guess.