Catharsis

October 13,2008

I havent felt like this in a long time. The funny thing is, I'm not sure if I'm supposed to be feeling this way. To be more precise about it, I'm not sure if i have a right to be this hurt? or this diasspointed . Feeling this way actually makes me think about you and me. It makes me wonder about what you mean to me and what I mean to you.

I had always wondered how we would start acting when we see each other. Perhaps deep inside me, those childhood, well immaturities (your term not mine) still linger. Yes I understand that it had been awhile, that we had gone our separate ways, found new people to enthrall and amuse us, but given this time, and situation, a time where you and I are drifters again, where you and I talk again, that immaturity once again comes out from that depth...

Deep inside me there was this feeling that meeting you would be the spark that lights something. What that something is, I myself don't know. Romance, love, a deeper sense of friendship, again I have no idea. But I had always wanted to find out.

Find out what I felt for you, and you for me. As for now I think all that I can say is that I liked you, Yeah I really really liked you. At the very least, I liked you enough to hope.

To hope, yes but to hope for what? Is it simply meeting you? Is it simply wishing that those promises we made be fulfilled? Sitting here in front of the computer at this hour while thinking about it is quite amusing actually. It reminds me of those immature days (again your words) when we basically spent hours in the same set up, just talking to each other. Believing that these chats, messages and late night conversations are merely steps to something better.

Little did we know that even after 5 years these would still be the only steps we have. It is frustrating and amusing at the same time. Frustrating for obvious reasons, but amusing because even after all these years, I never let go, perhaps you never did too. After 5 years, both of us still believe in immature promises.

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I wrote this last night actually. I was in that certain moment when you wanted to feel sad, bad or really emotional. Writing to to find that feeling of "catharsis" afterwhat happened. I'm not mad or sad anymore. Writing this really helped release all those pent up emotions inside. I don't know (and to a certain extent, care) if she reads this or not, Just laying it out in words was enough to make me realize some things as well as make me feel better.