I was procrastinating some minutes ago, I was too lazy to do the last of my tasks for the 1st sem of this school year (writing additional code/text for the cs website to be presented on our defense and the case papers for marketing). As part of this procrastination routine I checked my friendster account and saw one of those bulletin posts.
That bulletin post was a common survey, one that was usually done by people who have some extra time in their hands. A few questions here and there, inquiries on your opinions on things around you.
Yes, as I said it was just a common survey, nothing to be taken too seriously, just some ramblings by a more likely than not bored person who's just passing some time. But for some reason, it opened something in me, it was able to make me ponder on things that were, that are, and those that would be.
Halos kalahating taon na rin ang lumipas ng binanggit ko ang linyang bumabalik sa akin ngayon. Isang linya na maituturing kong nagpabago sa aking buhay. Naalala ko na binanggit ko ang mga salitang yoon dahil sa halo halong damdamin ng poot, sakit, pagiintindi at pagmamahal...
Maaring ako lamang ang makakaintindi kung bakit ko sinabi ang linyang yon, pero ngayon na halos anim na buwan na ang lumipas mas lalo kong nakikita ang rason ng pagbitaw ko sa mga salitang "Hindi na kita kayang alagaan." Ngayon mas nakikita ko na kahit papano nahalata ko na nga ang ang bagay na nagudyok sa akin upang sabihin yun.
Perhaps I could attribute it to foresight or perhaps just an understanding of things as they happen. I guess during that time 6 months ago (and perhaps even before that) I already felt that there was something lacking in me, something that I would not be able to do or to give. Perhaps I felt that I was really becoming a hindrance to something, I am not saying that this is the main reason why i did the thing i did, but I would not be lying when I say that I took this into account.
I guess it is undeniable that I still do care for her, perhaps I wouldn't have read that bulletin post if I don't have any feelings for her anymore. But it's also, quite pleasing to see to feel that I was right in what I felt all along...