Wednesday, October 18, 2006

(in)vulnerable?

It's finals week for Ateneo right now... despite the seemingly hectic pace of my school life for this semester due to the requirements of the different subjects (more on these on another post), for some reason I was still able to find time to type my thoughts.

It's this "some reason" that I want to focus on in this edition of my ramblings in life I call my blog. You see, I think I kind of understand why despite the stress of finals week, the hassles of school works and other miscellaneuos stuff, I'm still able to calm myself and play and do things that I actually enjoy.

I think it's because I've never really felt vulnerable to failure. This is not a show of how confident I am in my smarts and abilities but rather a (shall I call it) "defect" in my way of thinking. I think I am always able to find that trust, that confidence in myself when facing difficulty, may it be exams, defenses, reports, orals and the like. That belief that I can do it, that I would not fail, that I'll be able to make it through. I think this is the "kaya yan" mentality that I have.

This way of living would actually be useful if I had the mind to back it up, but you see I was not blessed with a genius mind, I think that what I was blessed with is a mind that's good enough. And yes, even I would say that going through life with this kind of mindset is a shitty way of living as I'm gonna be stuck in mediocrity. However, it also can't be denied, that as I coast in the things that I do (the essays, reports and panel defenses) I make it through, and sometimes what I would do would actually be deemed great, so I guess it's ok for now...

I would like to change though, in a way I would want to have a mindset that accepts its vulnerability, a way of thinking that would make me want to strive for more even if I know that what I would normally do would be good enough...

I guess I want to be vulnerable in a way, and the only way I see that it would happen is if I fail. Of course I wouldnt want to fail, so I guess Im stuck in this cycle until something hits me and makes me yearn to strive for more...

Oh well, I've got my history finals in around12 hours and again I'm still in that "kaya yan", "alam ko na yan" mode. I read the readings already and part of me believes that It's good enough although perhaps if I felt more vulnerable to failure, I would study more...

I'll see I guess. It could be a failure waiting to happen and this may actually be the one that wakes me up... but my mind only half believes me, up to now it still shouts "Kaya Yan!"

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